Steven

Glad to see this puzzle have some self-awareness and stop at 3 SEMI rebuses. One more and it would’ve been two full of itself. cc: emu handler

In my opinion, the best Sunday of this young year. If this is the map, Simeon Seigel is the legend. cc: emu handler

I read each clue in Morgan Freeman's voice. cc: emu handler

I visited an otolaryngologist, whose advice … FELLONDEAFEARS I visited another otolaryngologist, whose advice … SMELLEDFISHYTOME I visited yet another otolaryngologist, for which I … COUGHEDUPALOTOFMONEY I visited a chiropractor who … STRAIGHTENEDMEOUT I visited a psychologist, who … COUCHEDWORDSCAREFULLY I visited an ophthalmologist, who … WASASIGHTFORSOREEYES I visited an oncologist, who … CHARTEDMYPERSONALGROWTH I visited a veterinarian, who … SAIDIWASSICKASADOG I visited a physical therapist, where success … HUNGINTHEBALANCE I wanted to visit a neurologist, but I … LOSTMYNERVE

I understand the Aztecs created the original, albeit, more messy version of this game: GUACAMOLE cc: emu handler

To complete the task, satisfactorily, as this puzzle's construction. ☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑ ☑ ALLTHEBOXES ☑ ☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑☑ cc: emu handler

For those who are really worried whether it is alive or dead, I checked on the cat. Yes. cc: emu handler

Hardest Monday ever. Had to solve indirectly from a tiny hole in a cardboard box. cc: emu handler

Back when I lived in Egypt, I had a brief romance with a young lady whose family cultivated and exported dates. As she showed me around the farm, she explained the difficulty of the trade: that not very many trees can grow the fruit, that it can sometimes take a decade for them to bear, and still many of those, inferior in size and production, and that harvesting was year-round, as the trees weren't guaranteed to yield at the same time. As we walked along, she would point out which seedling would grow to bear fruit and which would not. Seeing no difference in their appearances, I asked how she could know this at such an early growth stage. She said she was a palm reader. (I'll show myself out.) cc: emu handler

*Elfish LAMPREY *Jaywalk JAUNT *Escape SHAWL *Bemuse BEATRICE *Seared CRIMSON cc: emu handler

I was not tall enough to ride this ride. cc: emu handler

Gautama Buddha said, “Concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Well, presently, for 2D today, I had to think about yesterday. Sorry, Buddha. cc: emu handler

Initially seeing the puzzle shape ginned up my curiosity. That, and the dry humor, nothing dirty (as that would have shaken me), stirred an icy resolve. I felt cordially invited. Olive this puzzle. cc: emu handler

Something tells me the choice of theme answers was no COINKYDINK. cc: emu handler

This one was PURELAXATION. cc: emu handler

Dictionary? MOUTHOFWORD Hey mama, don't you treat [him] wrong? HOPEOFRAY It cannot be created nor destroyed? FACTOFMATTER Dionysus? GODOFACT Hercules' last testament? WILLOFSTRENGTH The second apostle? DISTINCTIONOFMARK Abutting? Adjacent? After? Beside? Ensuing? KINOFNEXT Set down the sax, pick up the oboe? CHANGEOFWINDS Landfill? SPACEOFWASTE

I..n..s..t..r..u..c..t..i..o..n..s....u..n..c..l..e..a..r. T..u..r..n..e..d....i..n..t..o....t..o..a..d. T..y..p..i..n..g....w..i..t..h....t..o..n..g..u..e. H..e..l..p c..c..:..e..m..u....h..a..n..d..l..e..r

I was on driving to, and on the phone with, my friend, Socrates, when he asked, “What’s your ETA?” I replied, “H?” (I’ll show myself out.)

Theme was a real stretch. cc: emu handler

If this Saturday was any more brutal, it would feature as a Soviet gymnasium. cc: emu handler

Puzzlingly, I was all alone

"Clarabelle? She's just the bestest bovine ever!" ...or my appraisal of today's theme, in-theme. JOLLYGOODCOW cc: emu handler

“I tried my hand in the crossword game but I couldn’t…” GETMYPOINTSACROSSORTHOUGHTSDOWN cc: emu handler

About a month ago, I summoned the courage to visit a proctologist, and confide of my … irregular regularities in, let’s say, his area of expertise. He sent me home with some self-care and we scheduled a follow-up. That was today. I came back and told him things were just as bad, if not, worse. He asked if I had followed his prescription. I said, “Yes, of course! A fiber-rich, fried food-less diet with a daily probiotic and a weekly enigma. I just can’t figure it out!” He looked at me, inscrutably. Needless to say, we never got to the bottom of it. (I’ll show myself out.)

Dispute over which version of a joke is tighter? LAUGHRIOT Difference of mind for the final paragraph? CLOSECOMBAT Disagreement about the intensity of certain quotations? SHOUTINGMATCH Duel about statistical data figures? TABLESCRAP Punny summary of the battle between editor and writer seen above? WAROFWORDS

My high school vehicle was a Caprice Classic and there was nothing "classic" about it, but plenty of "caprice:" falling cloth roof (that I stapled); an exhaust system that seemed to begin and end under the dash; a speedometer only lit to the 35 mph mark (fun times at nighttimes); it didn't turn so much as loped; a radio that only picked up the AM channels that put you on list merely by tuning in -- despite, by all appearances, a functional antenna; windshield wipers that, even if replaced, left in their wake what can only be described as cuneiform script; a trunk I dared never open and a backseat lacquered with a courtesy package from the previous owner... it ran on unleaded but, in retrospect, I believe chanted for "regular." You can imagine its effect on my dating life, which is to say, as a four-seater, it never sat more than one. The ladies repulsively referred to it as my GETAWAYCAR. (I'll show myself out.)

Well... judging by my time I can tell you who *didn't* do it: Who: Me Where: Web Browser Weapon: Keyboard cc: emu handler

I dunno about you but, for some strange reason, I felt conditioned to solve this one. cc: emu handler

You: OHH x OTRO Me: AHH x ATRO Curse your mutterings and basic Spanish! cc: manejador de emú

Just that you worked CHIWETELEJIOFOR into the puzzle… *golf clap* I first liked him when he played the bad guy in Serenity. cc: emu handler

Some of the answers (e.g., HOSTA, ARHAT, ADELEH) had me looking in the package for missing body parts. cc: emu handler

For me, something about the puzzle... D DIDNT A cc: emu handler

… a business prospectus on a global chain clothier? MINDINGTHEGAP … a reference for dermatology students? SCOURINGTHESURFACE … a blueprint for landscaping? LEVELINGTHEPLAYINGFIELD … a seedy guidebook on robbing your creditor? JUMPINGTHESHARK … an eco essay promoting alternative energy consumption? PASSINGGAS … a community pamphlet on police relations? USINGTHEFORCE … a biography of music producer Rick Rubin? CUTTINGDIAMONDS

I heard the law firm that represents Invisalign has no other clients. I guess they work on RETAINERs? (I'll show myself out.)

When Judy and I were constructing this, we* had an idea this could be a bigger Thursday or a smaller Tuesday. We* submitted the Tuesday for review but this is the note I sent her while awaiting feedback: UMSOIDBEOKIFWEDOMOOFITORUHNOISUPTOED cc: emu handler * “we” did no such thing

Fans often ask me, the world-renown ornithologist, with many species named in my honor, that, after all, was there something missing in my soaring career, some bird, perhaps, that, like the barnyard chicken, had escaped my pursuit? To which I reply, with all humility, "I've lived my life with no EGRETS!" (I'll show myself out.)

I hope a house falls on that Wicked Witch of the Southeast. cc: emu handler

Didn't get the theme until reading the column. After reading it... Just the water for me, thanks. cc: emu handler (p.s. A small existential crisis I faced with the Comments functionality initially down when Wordplay was up: "Does the crossword exist if no one can comment about it? Do I exist if I can't post my weekly absurdities?")

I appreciate the effort and was pleasantly surprised to see DISTROS but the clue isn't quite accurate. "Distros" refer to "distributions," or, the specific implementation of the Linux OS. For instance, Arch Linux, Debian, Red Hat, Linux Mint, Ubuntu, etc. Those Linux OS "flavors" comprise many packages core to their operation, managed by package managers like apt, yum, pacman, etc. Packages are also non-essential software components -- things installable and versioned. But the DISTROS are, let's say, a level above the packages and, specifically, the Linux OSes, themselves.

For those like me worried about a missing, crucial ingredient, not to worry: 24A. (first letter) 47A. (last letter) 48A. (last letter) 54A. (third letter) 61A. (last letter) 66A. (middle letter) Like any good fudge, WALNUT is had in every block.

This one took me for a ride. cc: emu handler

I literally didn’t get the theme until about 10 seconds after solve. Must have a screw loose. cc: emu handler

G_eat wo_k THISC()OSSWO()D cc: emu handler

I see many folks got the theme, easily. Me? I guess I was left in the sha-ha-sha-la-la-la-llow. cc: emu handler

I tried goat yoga class but the instructor would not leave me alone for more than a minute. A real nanny. But the Happy Baby asana was a different beast. I was kidding. I’m a capricious silly billy. I’m done milking these puns. cc: emu handler

Kept looking for the ballerina in this music box but I guess she was barred. cc: emu handler

Being left handed is a chore for English handwriting. Every character is running away from you. That and the “binders” of notebooks on the right-side page… Notepads avoided this nagging issue but weren’t robust enough for the scholastic daily grind. I finally gave up in college and took notes writing backward and, for the right-side page, I flipped the notebook a full 180° and wrote “bottom-up” — always away from the binder. It was this eccentricity that allowed, in-turn, a self-conviction that my high D+ test score was actually a high A.